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pain and loss

Calmly Asked

Was combing my hair while mom was standing by the sink doing something, we were talking about the elections and basically arguing bout my reasons for not voting. Told her I’ve lost faith in the political system of this country, would only vote once not a single candidate would drop by our house and offer cash in exchange for our votes. She said that will never happen, then I said so I’ll never vote.  She said you gotta face reality, some things will never go the way you want them to. I said I’ve accepted the reality, I’m facing it but that does not mean that I’ll flow along with it.  She said you are so bull-headed, I hate the way you keep pushing people away … you know they care yet you keep them out. I laughed and told her am not pushing them away Ma, just testing the waters. See who’d never get tired and would still persistenly show they cared. She said thats not a nice attitude, people do have their limits and you might end up regretting, losing those people who cared initially but got sick with you being so stubborn. Told her then that only means one thing, they’re never real and they’re never bound to stay.

We almost always argue, at times her point of view is different from mine. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from her that is to always speak my mind, not good at school or at work so I’ve learned to shut my mouth. Ifthere’s one thing I can’t bear that’d be to kiss ass, I don’t, I won’t and I never will. 

 

Out of nowhere I asked her, what’d happen to me when you’re gone? asked it as calmly as someone asking what’s for lunch?. She said, you’d cry no you’d wail your lungs out. The misery and sorrow I’ve grown accustomed to seeing whenever I look into your eyes would double probably triple … you’d probably lose all reason for living but then again thats normal. Right from the start I’ve always told you that one day I’d be gone thats how its always s’pose to be and everyone will go through the same pain you’re gonna go through but time will heal you, will make you better. That’s what I kept telling you pain is easier to bear when you have someone to pour your heart out. Not the pages of your notebook, it will never comfort you, it will never tell you things are gonna be okay.

Asked her, can I just go with you instead of being left behind miserable? She said no you cant, they’ll never let you coz its not your turn, suicide is never the answer and I certainly didnt brought you up to even consider such a cowardly act. Besides daghan pa kang laking pahilakon heheheheh …..

‘Twas a serious conversation with her and just to lighten the mood she joked around, talk about death is never a taboo but its not that easy either.

I’ll cross the bridge when I get there, both she and I know its gonna be soon enough …. I just dont know where I’ll get the strength to bear it all.

 

When I Thought I No Longer Have Tears To Cry


somehow as days go by i’ve managed to lose all reason to smile, a genuine smile that is. my facade is still up might crumble at times but then who’d notice? not much seemed to care. though the shock and the pain of knowing i’d lose her anytime soon is no longer as painful as it was the first time but its never gone. i’ve tried my damnedest to stay strong to never shed tears as they’d weaken me but hell. am just human.

so now am here with another round of emotional breakdown, am tired to be honest and most of all am scared of whats to come. things have gone so erratic that even sleep, the thought of sleeping and waking up finding her gone has cost me my sleep and i think my sanity.

was blog hopping earlier and in one blog the blogger said we all need our version of superman though we might not admit it but deep inside we know we do. i agree … i definitely need mine now .. to take me out of this dark hole am stuck in. to tell me everythings gonna be alright. to hug and wipe away my tears.

tomorrow’s another day and its troubling me knowing that we dont have enough money for tomorrow’s refill, we do but that’d mean taking up from my savings and she knows and the look on her face brought out the tears I never thought still exisits. i told her we’re gonna be fine … my voice sounded funny to my ears.

what’d happen to my plan of going back to school? another additional expense, i certainly cant afford. then she said … hunongon na lang ni nato nak, pabigat ra jud ni nimo ai … was like ma, yaw anah … hearing her give up is more than I can take. its like taking all thats left of my will to continue.

hearing her talk incoherently in sleep is making me feel so helpless knowing that theres nothing I can do about it. am just right beside her but she’s not corehent enough to recognize who I am. and moments like these, when am alone with her, looking at her, listening wondering what i can do knowing that theres nothing, nothing at all i can do … is just too much …

people wonder why I cant sleep, why I got bags under my eyes, I mean who can? no song can block out the sound coming from her. not that I want to, who knows that could be the very last sound I’d ever hear from her.

im tired with the weight i have to bear alone and most of all am scared, so scared to whats to come. scared that i might not find another reason to continue.