My Restless Feet

somehow as days go by i’ve managed to lose all reason to smile, a genuine smile that is. my facade is still up might crumble at times but then who’d notice? not much seemed to care. though the shock and the pain of knowing i’d lose her anytime soon is no longer as painful as it was the first time but its never gone. i’ve tried my damnedest to stay strong to never shed tears as they’d weaken me but hell. am just human.

so now am here with another round of emotional breakdown, am tired to be honest and most of all am scared of whats to come. things have gone so erratic that even sleep, the thought of sleeping and waking up finding her gone has cost me my sleep and i think my sanity.

was blog hopping earlier and in one blog the blogger said we all need our version of superman though we might not admit it but deep inside we know we do. i agree … i definitely need mine now .. to take me out of this dark hole am stuck in. to tell me everythings gonna be alright. to hug and wipe away my tears.

tomorrow’s another day and its troubling me knowing that we dont have enough money for tomorrow’s refill, we do but that’d mean taking up from my savings and she knows and the look on her face brought out the tears I never thought still exisits. i told her we’re gonna be fine … my voice sounded funny to my ears.

what’d happen to my plan of going back to school? another additional expense, i certainly cant afford. then she said … hunongon na lang ni nato nak, pabigat ra jud ni nimo ai … was like ma, yaw anah … hearing her give up is more than I can take. its like taking all thats left of my will to continue.

hearing her talk incoherently in sleep is making me feel so helpless knowing that theres nothing I can do about it. am just right beside her but she’s not corehent enough to recognize who I am. and moments like these, when am alone with her, looking at her, listening wondering what i can do knowing that theres nothing, nothing at all i can do … is just too much …

people wonder why I cant sleep, why I got bags under my eyes, I mean who can? no song can block out the sound coming from her. not that I want to, who knows that could be the very last sound I’d ever hear from her.

im tired with the weight i have to bear alone and most of all am scared, so scared to whats to come. scared that i might not find another reason to continue.